You Can't Get to Heaven
(source: "The World's Best Funny Songs", Esther J. Nelson, 1988.)

Thanks to Sandra O'Keefe, Emmeline Stoddart, Kathryn Wells, Kate Godwin, Lance Nathan, Ruby Snyder, Oscar Roberson, and Shawn Doctor, all whom e-mailed me with verses to this song.

Oh, you can't get to heaven (Oh, you can't to heaven)

On roller skates. (On roller skates.)

You'll roll right by (You'll roll right by)

Those pearly gates. (Those pearly gates.)

Oh, you can't get to heaven on roller skates.

You'll roll right by those pearly gates.

I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.

I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.

I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.

I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.

Other verses include:

Oh, you can't get to heaven in a rocking chair

'Cause the rocking chair won't take you there.

Oh, you can't get to heaven in a trolley car

'Cause the gosh darn thing won't go that far.

Oh, you can't get to heaven on a rocket ship

'Cause the rocket ship won't take that trip.

Oh, you can't get to heaven with powder and paint

'Cause the Lord don't want you as you ain't.

Oh, you can't get to heaven in a limousine

'Cause the Lord don't sell no gasoline.

Oh, you can't get to heaven on a pair of skis

'Cause you'll schuss right through St. Peter's knees.

If you get to heaven before I do,

Just bore a hole and pull me through.

If I get to heaven before you do,

I'll plug that hole with shavings and glue.

"That's all there is. There ain't no more,"

St. Peter said, and closed the door.

You'll never get to heaven on a Boy Scout's knee,

'Cos a Boy Sscout's knee is too hairy!

(Scouts sing....on a Girl Guide's knee...too wobbly)!!

You'll never get to heaven in dirty jeans,

'Cos the Lord don't have no washing machines.

You'll never get to heaven on a playtex bra,

'Cos a playtex bra won't stretch that far.

You'll never get to heaven in a rocking chair,

'Cos the Lord He keeps no lazybones there.

You'll never get to heaven on a bottle of gin,

'Cos the Lord won't let no drunkards in.

You'll never get to heaven on a bottle of stout,

'Cos the Lord he throws all drunkards out.

Oh, you can't get to heaven if your newly wed

Cause the Lord ain't got no double bed!

You'll never get to heaven on a ping pong ball

'Cos a ping pong ball is far too small!

You'll never get to heaven in a biscuit tin

'Cos the Lord don't let no crummy ones in!

You'll never get to heaven on a Boy Scout's knee

'Cos you never know where his hands will be!!!

[To be sung in selected company!]

You'll never get to Heaven in [someone's name]'s car

'Cos [someone's name]'s car won't get that far! (or: stops at every bar)

You'll never get to Heaven with a dog as a pet

'Cos the Lord ain't got no lamp posts yet!

You'll never get to heaven in a jumbo jet

'Cos the Lord ain't got no runways yet!

You'll never get to heaven in a bottle of gin

'Cos the Lord won't let no spirits in!

You'll never get to heaven in a bottle of whisky

'Cos the Lord don't like his angels frisky!

If you get there before I do

Just dig a hole and pull me through.

If I get there before you do

I'll dig a hole and spit on you!

"And that is all," St Peter said

As he closed the gates and went to bed.

There are three things you must not do:

You must not spit or smoke or chew.

Oh you'll never get to heaven in a baked bean tin

'Cos a baked bean tin's got baked beans in!

You can't get to heaven in an electric chair,

'Cause the Lord don't allow no fried meat there!

You can't get to heaven in a strapless gown,

'Cause the Lord's afraid it might fall down!

Oh you can't get to heaven with hippy hair,

The Lord don't allow that mess up there!

Oh you can't get to heaven in a mini skirt,

The Lord don't allow that girlie flirt.

Oh, you can't get to heaven in a Kleenex box,

'Cause the Lord don't allow no little snots!