Skits - Page 2

All the skits on this page were submitted to the newsgroup by Jim Speirs.

Timothy Eaton

Number of participants: 4 or more Props: Articles of clothing

# 2 enters and passes # 1, wearing a hat.

# 1: "Where did you get the hat ?" # 2: "Timothy Eaton." #3 enters and passes # 1 carrying a pair of pants. # 1: "Where did you get the new pants ?" # 3: "Timothy Eaton."

Others enter carrying new articles of clothing and offer similar explanations. Finally # 4 enters wearing just underwear.

# 1: "Who do you think you are dressed like that ?" # 4: "I'm Timothy Eaton !"

The Operation

By setting up a white sheet and using a light behind it, a hospital operation can be silhouetted onto the sheet, which is set up like a screen. Ham it up with humorous dialogue, occasionally throwing a peeled tomato or a piece of raw liver or spurt of ketchup out to the audience. A good creative imagination would be an asset here!

The Lost Quarter

Number of Participants: 5 or more

Props: None.

Scene: One person acts as a lamp post, shining a flashlight on the ground. Another is groping around in the pool of light. (He's # 1).

A third person enters, sees # 1, and asks: "What are you looking for ?"

# 1: "A quarter that I lost".

He joins # 1, and helps him search. A fourth and fifth enter and repeat the above scene.

Finally one of them asks # 1: "Where did you loose the quarter ?" # 1: (Pointing away) "Over there:. Boy: "Then why are you looking here ?" # 1: "Because the light is better over here !"

The Dead Body

Number of Participants: 2

Scene: One person lying on the ground, dead. Another sees him and runs for the telephone and, panicking, gasps: "Police, there's a dead person here... Where ? .... Un, (looking for a sign), "I'm at Montgomery and Westchester... Spell it ?... Uh, M-o-t-n... Uh, M-o-t-g,," (confused), "Just a minute, I'll drag him over to King and Elm !"

The Short Runway

Number of Participants: 2 (If more are desired, they can be passengers, with suitable sound effects and actions.)

Props: Seating for pilot and co-pilot, and for passengers if required. A compass.

Announcer: This scene is on board a very low budget airline.

Pilot : Well, are we anywhere near the airport, co-pilot ? Co-Pilot : (peering out the window) I don't know... I see lights over there to the port. That's likely it. Bring 'er around and have a look. Pilot : (lurching plane hard to the left) Boy, I can't tell. I wish the company would buy us some instruments.

Co-Pilot : (pulling compass from pocket) Oh, I've got my trusty compass and the sun went down about 20 minutes ago, so we've got to be on course. (Excited) Look, see that spot down there, that must be it.

Pilot : Okay, here we go. Give me 20 degrees flaps, I'm going in. (Puts plane into a nose dive, sound effects.) This is going to be tough. Give me more flaps, cut back the engines. (Louder) More flaps, less throttle!

Co-Pilot : (Appropriate actions and sounds, acting panicky.)

Pilot : QUICK, cut the engines, give me brakes. MORE BRAKES! Both : (Sighs of relief) We're down, we made it! Boy that was a short runway!

Co-Pilot : (Looking right, then left) Yep, and wide too!

Bell Ringer #1

Props: Coat with football or wadded clothing under it for the Hunchback, hat or nightstick for Gendarme.

Announcer: The Hunchback of Notre Dame has decided to retire, and has place an ad in the Paris Times for someone to come and learn how to ring the bells.

Effects: (Knock, knock, knock)

Hunchback: (Gravely voice) Oh, somebody must be here about my job. I'll go down and see. (Goes 'round and 'round the campfire, as if going down the bell tower, bent over due to hunch.)

Effects : (Knock, knock, knock)

Hunchback: (Angrily) I'm coming, I'm coming. There's a lot of stairs here. (Arrives at and opens the door.) Yeah! What do you want ?

Applicant: I'm here about the bell ringer's job.

Hunchback: All right! Come on up and I'll see if you can do the job. (Begins to go up (the other way around) followed by the applicant.)

Applicant: Boy, the ceiling is not very high here, is it? Hunchback: Listen, you go up and down these stairs 20 times a day for 45 years and you just learn to stay bent over. Hey, did you close that door, didn't you?

Applicant: I don't know. I don't remember.

Hunchback: Well, we gotta go down and keep it locked, can't run up the church's fuel bill. (Both turn around and go back.) That's the first thing you gotta learn. Keep the door closed. Up and down these stairs, that's the hard part. (Arriving at door) O.K., so now you're here, close the door.

Applicant: (Closes door) How are the benefits in this job?

Hunchback: (Both going back up) Well, it has it's ups and downs. The Church board will buy you ear plugs every six months and a new bottle of bell polish once a year. (Finally arriving at the bell) Alright, now you stand over there, and I'll show you how it's done. First you grab the bell here and push it out very hard (steps back and follows path of bell out and back) then the bell comes back on it's own. That's all there is to it. Do you think you can do that?

Applicant: Sure! (does the action with the bell, but does not step back, is hit by bell and falls back, to the ground)

Hunchback: Oh my gosh! He's fallen 15 stories to the sidewalk. I'd better get down there. (Goes 'round and 'round until he reaches the ground) (Crowd enters mumbling, stops astonished at body)

Gendarme : (Entering, calls to Hunchback) Hey you! Do you know this guy? (Rolls body over with foot)

Hunchback: No, but his face sure rings a bell!

Bell Ringer # 2

(The trick with this skit is to do it the night after doing Bell Ringer #1, and to do everything exactly the same - perhaps with a little more 'hamming it up')

(When the Applicant arrives the Hunchback says:) Hunchback: You look just like the guy who was here yesterday.

Applicant: Oh, that was my twin brother.

(Revert to the original dialog again. The audience will think it's getting a re-run and prepare itself for a 'groaner' of a cheer. When they hear the ending, you'll get a great reaction.)

(Carry on with dialog, except for the last line.)

Hunchback: No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was here yesterday !

Bell Ringer # 3

(To be used ONLY when Bell Ringer #1 and #2 have been used.)

Props: Rain slickers, blanket, and Gendarme gear from above.

(Two players enter in rain slickers holding blanket between them like a jumping net. The jig and jog around the performing area.

Gendarme : (Entering) Hey, what are you guys doing?

Fireman #1: Well, the last two nights some guy has jumped out of that bell tower, and we came to catch him!

The Bicycle Shop

(The scene begins with three players on their hands and knees, in a row, as bicycles.)

Shop Owner: Well, there we are, three brand new bicycles all set up for sale.

Customer : (Entering) Hi. I'd like to buy a bicycle.

Shop Owner: Sure thing. Why don't you try them on for size? (Customer sits on the first bike and it falls down. The second is too big, while the third is too small.)

Customer : I sure like the first one, let me try it again.

Shop Owner: Why not? (Setting up bike again) There you are, it's all set up again. (Customer sits on it, and again it falls down.)

Customer : I don't know. I really like this one but it keeps falling down. I'm afraid it's not made well enough.

Shop Owner: Our bicycles are all very well made. It was just assembled this morning, and it may need a little adjustment. Let me get some help. (A volunteer is chosen from the audience, who is instructed to hold one 'wheel' of the now upright bicycle.)

Customer : (Sitting on the bike) That's perfect now. What was the problem?

Shop Owner: Oh, we just need a big nut to hold it together!

The Lawnmower

(One participant is on his hands and knees as the mower.)

Owner : (Yanking imaginary rope, while mower sputters) This darned old mower, I can't get it going. I need some help. (Gets help from another participant.)

Helper #1: So you just want me to yank on this rope, and get it started? That's easy! (Yanking rope)

Mower : (Splutters, bobs up and down)

Helper #1: I'm sorry. I can't seem to do it. Have you checked the gas?

Owner : Yes, I have. Thanks anyway. Well, let's see who else has a strong arm. (Selects another participant) What I need you to do is to give a real good yank on the starting rope and make it run.

Helper #2: Sure thing. (Yanks rope a couple of times.)

Mower : (Bobs up and down, sputters, coughs)

Helper #2: Sorry, I can't do it either.

Owner : What I need is someone big and strong (Selects a Leader) (Leader will probably make some comments, but let him talk and get him to pull the rope)

Mower : (Splutters, coughs, starts to vibrate and run)

Owner : There. All it needed was a good jerk.

The Lost Lollipop

(Small boy is sitting, crying)

Passer-by #1: (Enters) What's wrong little boy, why are you crying?

Boy : (Sobbing) I lost my lollipop!

Passer-by #1: Have you looked for it?

Boy : (Continues to sob) Oh, yes, I've looked under my bed, in my sock drawer, and even in Charlie's pocket.

Passer-by #1: I've heard that chanting often works. You think very hard about the lollipop until you can see it in your mind, and chant 'lollipop' over and over again.

Boy : (Closing eyes tightly) Big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop.

Passer-by #1: (Nods approval and strolls out)

Boy : (Continues chanting for a while, then starts crying again)

Passer-by #2: (Enters) What's wrong, little boy?

Boy : (Sobbing) I lost my lollipop, and I hunted and hunted, then this man told me to chant, and I did, and it didn't work!

Passer-by #2: Chanted?

Boy : Yeah, like this (Demonstrates, then starts to cry)

Passer-by #2: Don't cry little boy. Maybe we need more help.

Boy : (Turns to audience) You're my only help to get my lollipop back. Everybody, very softly now, chant with me, "Big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop." (Gets everyone doing it in unison) Great! I think it's working, keep going now.

Passer-by #1: (Re-enters) Hi little boy. Did it work?

Boy : (Loudly) No, it didn't, but I did find a whole lot of suckers!

The Brutal Miner

(Each character in the skit has a distinctive sound to make when the Narrator says their name during the reading of the skit. The Narrator should pause, after reading the name of each character so they can make their sound and for audience reaction.)

Brutal Miner: Grrrrrrrrrr
Tired Wife: Oh dear.
Lazy Son: (Yawning sound)
Young Daughter: (Giggles)
Beautiful Daughter: "Ahhhhh"
Handsome Harry: Ah Ha !
Automobile: Honk Honk
Cat: Meow

Narrator: Once upon a time in the far west, there lived a BRUTAL MINER, who had a TIRED WIFE, a LAZY SON, a giggling YOUNG DAUGHTER, and a BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER. On the other side of the mountain lived HANDSOME HARRY. This young man drove his AUTOMOBILE over the mountains and carried mail to the BRUTAL MINER.

One day, the TIRED WIFE was cleaning the house. The BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER was helping her. The YOUNG DAUGHTER was playing with the CAT on the steps and the LAZY SON was sleeping. The BRUTAL MINER came out and kicked the CAT. The TIRED WIFE and the BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER rushed out with brooms and hit the BRUTAL MINER, but this did not bother him. He grabbed the TIRED WIFE by one arm and the BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER by the other and shoved them into the house. The YOUNG DAUGHTER ran away with the CAT.

Just then, HANDSOME HARRY drove up in his AUTOMOBILE and saw the BRUTAL MINER beating the TIRED WIFE and the BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER. HANDSOME HARRY rushed to the rescue and grabbed the BRUTAL MINER and threw him down the mine shaft. The BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER flew into the waiting arms of HANDSOME HARRY, while the TIRED WIFE and the YOUNG DAUGHTER watched with enthusiasm. The LAZY SON slept on.

HANDSOME HARRY took the BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER in his AUTOMOBILE to the little church in the wildwood and they lived happily every after.

Chief Woodpussy

(Each character in the skit has a distinctive sound to make when the Narrator says their name during the reading of the skit. The Narrator should pause, after reading the name of each character so they can make their sound, and for audience reaction.)

Cowboy: Yippee !
Old Paintbrush: (Whinney)
Chief Woodpussy: (Makes war whoop)
Sitting Bull: Hee Haw
Emma: (Rattles stones in tin)
Timber Wolf: Howooooo
Sheriff: Bang Bang.
Deputy: He went that-a-way

Narrator: Once upon a time there was a COWBOY who went out into the desert, riding his horse, OLD PAINTBRUSH. Far off in the distance, he could hear the TIMBER WOLF. The COWBOY made camp and went fast asleep, first making sure OLD PAINTBRUSH was secure.

Now, creeping through the desert was CHIEF WOODPUSSY riding his mule SITTING BULL. He was pursued by the SHERIFF and his DEPUTY. In his pocket, CHIEF WOODPUSSY had his trained rattlesnake, EMMA, who was trained to creep up and bite the COWBOY and his horse. While CHIEF WOODPUSSY crept up, OLD PAINTBRUSH watched the camp, the TIMBER WOLF howled, the COWBOY snored, and SITTING BULL ate cactus.

In the meantime, the SHERIFF and his DEPUTY sprang their trap. "Halt, you are my prisoner !" shouted the SHERIFF. The COWBOY woke up and mounted his horse, OLD PAINTBRUSH, which frightened the TIMBER WOLF and EMMA.

Away went old CHIEF WOODPUSSY on his faithful mule, SITTING BULL, and after them went the SHERIFF, his DEPUTY, the COWBOY and OLD PAINTBRUSH. But old CHIEF WOODPUSSY led them into a blind canyon, so that was the last anybody ever saw of the COWBOY, OLD PAINTBRUSH, EMMA, the rattlesnake, the TIMBER WOLF, the mule, SITTING BULL, the SHERIFF, or his DEPUTY.

The Compass

Props: A good compass and a map

Announcer: In this scene, we see a Scoutmaster teaching a Patrol about maps and compass.

Scoutmaster: Now fellows, if you take a bearing from the map this way you can now stand up and, keeping the compass away from your belt buckle, walk along the bearing until you reach your destination. John, you try that.

John : (Does as instructed, exits, re-enters)

Scoutmaster: (Standing) In the same way you can take a bearing on a distant object, and use that to find where you are on the map. Now, each of you take a bearing on that big tree on the hill top.

Other boys : (Do as instructed, passing compass around, making suitable comments.)

Scoutmaster: (After a few moments) All right, let's all gather around. That wraps up tonight's compass lesson. There is just one more important point! Never, never buy a TATES compass.

Tom : Scouter, why should we never buy a TATES compass?

Scoutmaster: You know the old saying: "He who has a TATES is lost!"


(The scene opens with the two players rowing an imaginary boat.)

Andrew: Whew! It sure is a long way out here.

Robert: Yep. (puts hand to eyes) I can't see the shore anymore. Ready to start fishing?

Andrew: I think so. Looks like a good spot to me. (Both ready imaginary rods, reels, hooks, worms, etc., and start fishing. Immediately they both start to catch fish, recast and catch more. Continue for several casts.)

Andrew: I told you this would be a good spot.

Robert: Sure is, the boat's full. Guess we have our limit.. better get back.

Andrew: O.K. (gets oars ready)

Robert: Did you use a map to get here?

Andrew: Nope.

Robert: How are we ever gonna find our way back tomorrow?

Andrew: Oh, that's easy. I'll just mark the spot with a big X right here on the side of the boat! (makes mark - both row away quickly)

Gathering of Nuts

Vincent: I am the famous artist, Vincent Van Go Go. I have come here this evening at great expense to create one of my living nature paintings which will express the atmosphere of this camp ! First I am going to need some trees. (Two trees are selected from the participants in the audience, and are directed where to stand. They wave their arms gently.)

Vincent: Now I will need some birds to twitter among the trees. (Three birds are selected and they move around the trees making twittering sounds.)

Vincent: (Stands back to view scene) Perhaps a sun to shine on everything. (A tall participant stands on a bench and smiles brightly.)

Vincent: (Again viewing) It's not right yet. I know, some rabbits hopping around. (Assistant Leaders are chosen for rabbits)

Vincent: One last touch. A babbling brook. Scouter, will you be the brook, you're always babbling ? (The brook takes his place.)

Vincent: (Turns to audience) There it is, another Vincent Van Go Go original nature scene. I call it "The Gathering of the Nuts."

Go Cart

(One participant is on hands and knees as the 'Go Cart')

Driver : Oh, this fool Go Cart is always giving me trouble ! Now the front wheel has come off. (Selects member of audience) Would you come over and give me a hand. Thanks. (Selected person may have some comments to respond to - then they are led to the cart.)

Driver : Here, if you would just be the wheel I need. That's right, get down on your hands and knees up there and be the front wheel. Now let me try it again. (Driver gets on car, tries to start it up.)

Go Cart: (Makes sputtering noises, starts, moves forward, then sags and sputters out.)

Driver : Now what is it ? (Driver moves to rear, lifts cart, lets go and cart sags again.) Now that old suspension has gone, I need more help. (Selects someone else) Please come over here and be the suspension. That's right, just hold the back end up there. Now I'll try it again. (Gets on car, starts engine.)

Go Cart: (Sputters to life, moves forward, wobbles, and stops)

Driver : (Getting off) Oh, no. Now the rear wheel is loose. I'll go and get more help. (Selects more help) (New help is positioned at rear wheel.) This wheel is loose. If you will just hold the wheel (indicates leg) tightly so it doesn't fall off, you'll be a big help. Thanks. (Driver gets on cart, starts engine)

Go Cart: (Starts up, runs fine, moves forward)

Driver : (Braking to halt) Oh, that's perfect now ! All I needed was a few NUTS to get it going!

Good Soup

Props: a large pot, several spoons, and a floor mop. A chef's hat would also be useful.

Announcer: This scene takes place in the camp Dining Hall.

(Several boys are seated around a large pot, sampling the imaginary contents with the spoons.)

Scott : Boy, this is sure good soup.

Brad : Yep, it's got REAL flavour.

David : Sure is, why it's even better than my Mom makes.

Mathew: Oh yeah. It's the best food I've eaten at camp all week.

Cook : (Enters waving floor mop and shouting) Hey you guys ! Get out of my mop water !!!

Letters from Home

Props: Two sheets of paper.

Scott: (Enters) Gee, it's always nice to get a letter from home when you're at camp.

Robin: (Enters) Hey, look, I got a letter from my Mom.

Scott: Me too. Listen, my Mom says she's writing this letter slowly, because she knows I can't read fast.

Robin: Mine says I won't know the house when I come home.. They've moved !

Scott: Oh, my Dad has a new job with 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Robin: Our neighbours started keeping pigs. Mom got wind of it this morning.

Scott: Oh, my goodness. My little brother came home from school crying because all the other boys had new clothes and we can't afford any for him. Mom says she got him a new hat and lets him stand in the window.

Robin: There was a washing machine in the new house. But my Mom put four shirts in it, pulled the handle and they disappeared. Guess it doesn't work right.

Scott: My Mom had her appendix out and a dishwasher put in. And, oh, my sister had a baby this morning. Mom doesn't know if I'm an Aunt or and Uncle, because she doesn't know yet if it's a boy or a girl.

Robin: Oh, dear, there's a P.S. It says, I was going to send you $ 10.00, but I had already sealed the envelope.

Scott: Well, it's nice to know things are normal at home.

Robin: Yep. (Both exit)

(With this skit it is possible to put each boy's script on a sheet of paper, and they can read it out, as though they were reading the letter. They should rehearse, of course, to make it sound natural.)

Lunch Break

Props: Lunch bags or pails.

Announcer: We see here a construction site. It is now lunch time, and two friends are about to eat.

Worker 1: (Opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhhh!! Egg salad sandwiches again!

Worker 2: Look, if you hate them that bad, I'll swap with you. (Both pretend to eat, then exit.)

Announcer: The next day.

Worker 1: (Enters with Worker 2, opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhhh!!! Egg salad sandwiches again!

Worker 2: O.K..... I'll trade with you again. (Both pretend to eat, then exit.)

Announcer: The next day.

Worker 1: (Enters with Worker 2, opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhh!! Egg salad sandwiches again!

Worker 2: (Angrily) Look, if you don't like egg salad sandwiches, why don't you ask your (wife/mom/significant other) to make something else?

Worker 1: My (wife/mom/significant other)?? She's got nothing to do with it. I make my own sandwiches!

New Saw

Announcer: This scene takes place in a hardware store in a small north woods lumber town.

Lumberjack: (Enters) My old crosscut saw is worn out, and I need something that will let me cut more wood, or I'm going to go broke!

Owner : Yes, sir! For only one hundred bucks you can be the proud owner of this chain saw. I guarantee that it will cut twice as much wood in a day as your own crosscut.

Lumberjack: (Handing over money) O.K. great! (Exits)

Announcer: The next day.

Lumberjack: (Enters tiredly) There's something wrong with this saw. I worked very hard yesterday, and only cut half as much wood.

Owner : Well, sir, I have a lot of faith in this product. Here, I'll put a new chain on it and you give it another try.

Lumberjack: O.K., but if it doesn't do any better, I'll be back! (Exits)

Announcer: The next day.

Lumberjack: (Enters exhausted) This darned saw is no good. I worked even harder, and still it won't cut half the wood of my old saw! I want my money back!

Owner : Yes, sir! Just let me check it out here. (Pulls starter rope Announcer: (Makes sound effects of saw running.)

Lumberjack: Oh, my gosh! What on earth is all that noise?

Puppy in the Box

Props: A cardboard box, and a stuffed dog (or rabbit, etc.)

Announcer: This scene takes place on the street outside a grocery store.

(Several participants are gathered around outside the store, chatting.)

Roger : (Enters holding the box) Hi guys, would you please hold this box for me while I go into the store? (Exits)

Martin: I wonder what's in the box?

Gerry : I don't know, but something is leaking out!

Bob : (Rubs finger against the bottom of box, then licks finger) Hmmm, it tastes like lemon soda.

Martin: (Also rubs box and tastes finger) No. I think it's more like chicken soup.

Roger : (Returns, looks in box) Oh, you naughty puppy!

Fly in the Soup

Customer: Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

Waiter : (Enters, very snooty, peering into the soup) Oh, yes, you are right sir. That will be an extra 25 cents for the meat.

Customer: But waiter, he's swimming all over the top!

Waiter : (Still snooty) You are right, sir. It doesn't know it's a fly, sir. It's doing the Butterfly stroke.

Customer: Well, I think it must be an Australian! Waiter : Why do you say that sir?


Someone Chanted Evening

Props: Blankets and rope to make Monk's Cassock.

Friar: Good morning, everyone.

Monks: Good morning.

Friar: For our Matins, we are going to practice chanting. All together now, repeat after me: (Chanting) Morning, morning, mor-or-ning.

Monks: (Rather raggedly) Morning, morning, mor-or-ning.

Friar: Not bad, but we need to get more feeling and rhythm into it. Let's try again. (A couple more attempts are made, each one better, then on the third try it sounds excellent, but one Monk chants loud and clear, "Ev-en- ning".) Friar: Cut, Cut! What was that?

Brother Daniel: What's wrong, Friar? I thought it sounded good.

Friar: (Breaking into song) Someone Chanted Evening!

St. Peter

Announcer: Here we see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Ian : (Walks up to St. Peter) Hello, St. Peter. I see I've come to Heaven.

St. Peter: Well, you're not in yet! First you've got to tell me how you suffered on Earth.

Ian : Well, I spent a week eating camp food.

St. Peter: I'm sorry, you haven't suffered enough. (Ian exits dejectedly.)

Doug : (Enters) Hi, I'm here to get into Heaven.

St. Peter: Fine, fine. And how have you suffered?

Doug : I went on a long hike and got blisters all over my feet.

St. Peter: Sorry. That's not enough suffering to get into Heaven. (Doug exits)

Brad : (Enters) Can I get into Heaven?

St. Peter: How did you suffer?

Brad : I'm in (Pick someone's name who can take a joke) (troop/pack/six/class, etc.)

St. Peter: Well, come on in!!

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